Moving towards closure

Denting my car wasn’t really part of my plans today. Appreciating it wasn’t the end of the World and being an adult about it kind of tells me that I have a fairly good grip on the important things.

Today I moved on. This has all been a game and whilst it’s been fun, amusing, frustrating and eventful, it’s vital to understand that all things must come to an end and sometimes doors need to be closed.

Not intrinsically linked to this decision but still relevant, a poster on a football forum that I read (lurk on) was announced dead today. The guy was only 2 years older than me, but the thing that stood out to me was that the online persona he build on that forum was fairly loathsome and challenging but the real human being that sat behind it was shy and unassuming so when people stopped believing it was a wind up spoke of someone totally alien to the poster he appeared to be.

I should know that is possible more than most. I try not to be someone I’m not online but that rule doesn’t apply to all. I just hope his family and friends are ok.

The direction of this blog might have to change and to be honest, I’m a bit of a boring fucker anyway.

My only advice is that you love honestly, you care about others and you try not to play the role of the child too much.

Thanks for listening.

Dealing with the dark thoughts

I’ve always seen myself as a positive person. I’ve been extremely lucky – being brought into this world in a stable, supportive family in an environment that a large proportion of the planet would love to be in can easily be taken for granted.

In my head there appears to be a brain that seems to be able to function and process things in a way that allows me to get on in life and my body, whilst having the potential to always be fitter and stronger, doesn’t massively hold me back.

All in all I regard myself as fortunate and approach life with a sense of adventure with a mind to looking for the good in people.

The uncertainty around this recent relationship with Jess continues to dominate my thoughts. It’s been nearly 3 weeks since the last contact, and whilst my brain has an amazing ability to slowly filter it out day by day, she is still there, possibly in the “unanswered” filing cabinet like in a detective’s office in a police station.

Whilst it’s there I have to admit it becomes more obvious to me that I still have questions in my head – have I made a mistake in my conclusions? Why did I let this happen? Am I guilty of letting her down, my family down, everyone down? Why is she doing this? What can I do to fix it? My thoughts become darker and the danger is that I stop being the positive person I’ve always tried to be and I retreat into my shell like a tortoise under threat.

Mental health is something that we’re all becoming more acutely aware of. I’m not entirely sure whether that’s a good thing or bad to be honest because the more someone is aware of it, the more they are probably likely to question it.

I striving (although not always succeeding) to ensure that my mental health isn’t negatively affected by what’s gone on. I cling to the belief that it was one of those things that spiralled out of control rather than anything deliberately sinister.

This blog is a way of doing that and I make no bones out of the fact that it helps me more than anyone who might be reading it, but if anyone does want someone to chat to in order to help their mental health then I’m happy to listen?

Losing my cheerleader

That sounds a bit careless – like some kind of acrobatic move has gone wrong and someone has been flung into the skies, never to return. The reality is slightly different. When you have built a relationship with someone who appears to get you there is a huge amount of support and confidence that results. That works both ways, and whilst I never donned a short skirt or pom-poms, I was there on the sidelines trying to encourage someone else through the trials and tribulations of everyday life.

This experience has highlighted to me the importance of just being there to listen to others and support them where needed. Having a sounding board and the viewpoint of another person can be great both through good times and bad.

In modern life it’s all too easy to think that others are ok and to let them get on with their lives without getting involved, but people need confidantes and somewhere to sometimes get off their chests the things that are on their minds. If the Internet offers this over existing friendships because of the anonymous nature then this doesn’t have to be a bad thing as long as the trust put in the other person is well-meant.

I’ve learnt through this experience to take real time to listen to people. Be in the moment with them rather than distracted and actively digest what they are telling you. Having the ability to be someone’s cheerleader, whether you know them or not, can be so beneficial to them and doesn’t require much of you.

Would I like my cheerleader back? Without doubt, but I’m also learning to get by without her. Relationships are a give and take thing and whilst I enjoyed her being there for me, I equally enjoyed being there for her.

So think about the people you know – the ones you hold close or the ones you may go onto build relationships with in the future, and think about how you can become the cheerleader to them (minus the skirt and pom-poms unless that’s your thing).

I have a subscriber!

So I better start by apologising. I never started this blog for fame or followers, it was mainly done for selfish reasons to help me deal with something that was going on with my life so for that I’m sorry!

Entertainment is not something I can promise, but I won’t wallow in self-pity because that’s not how I am in my life. If the subscriber was BA Baracus from the A Team then it would justify “I pity the fool” but I don’t believe it’s Mr T who has clicked the subscribe button!

Anyway, welcome – I appreciate your subscription to the rambling attempts to understand life. You may learn how to avoid being catfished or even how I needed it, but enjoy the journey until you hit the unsubscribe button or I run out of interesting things to say!

The infinite sadness of Gerald

It’s not every day that you have a discussion with a top hat wearing, public school educated, French speaking giraffe, but Gerald isn’t your average long-necked creature.

Online relationships can take several forms and the drawing of eccentric animals wasn’t an unusual part of the daily messages we had when we were in contact.

Yes, he had a drinking problem, yes he was a little bit of a ladies giraffe, but now he is off to the wilderness in search of adventure and an antique pocket watch to complete his look.

Gerald gets these things happen, but explaining human relationships to a giraffe is a complicated conversation!

“Let’s go find Jess”

– I heard that said by a grandma at the park to her Wellington wearing grandson. I thought for a minute that she was planning on joining my mission impossible, but instead they were off to the school gate to pick up his older sister.

I know I’ve got to give up with this and I’m the words of the Frozen song “Let it go”. It happened, it feels rubbish and I’ve lost that connection that I thought I had in my life.

I hope Jess finds happiness I truly mean that. At one point I wanted that to be with me but it’s all gone a bit weird, as you’ll see from my other posts.

If any grandmas, grandads, brothers or sisters want to find Jess then they are more than welcome but they’ll need more luck than I had.

The olive branch/amnesty

I might be wrong (and I often am!) but I think the person who I have come to the conclusion has been catfishing me has been, or is, reading this blog. I don’t think I’m that interesting to anyone else so the minimal hits may be related to her.

If that’s the case then my hope is that this person can put me out of my misery and either admit that it’s her or provide evidence that I crave to prove that I’ve made a massive mistake and elements of this story are true.

My logical brain thinks that if I have made a bad judgement then that person would want to put me straight rather than block me, but I’m no expert on human behaviour. I know that if I have got things wrong then by now there is no possibility of continuing that relationship because the trust has gone.

There is a strong possibility that this person may be scared to come clean because they don’t know how I would react. I totally accept that – my reactions could range from going to the police, demanding the money I lent back to falling in love with the real person, but I can promise the following:

– I won’t go to the police – way too much bother

– I won’t ask for the money back – although maybe a donation to a relevant charity when money is available might be nice

– I won’t be angry – I’ve realised that I’ve learnt to internalise my anger in childhood by being a sulker, so this episode isn’t making me feel like that

– I won’t make a big deal out of this – only a few people know about this situation and that suits me fine

I just want closure and maybe begin an honest relationship. There is a contact form on this blog and I would love it to ping with the person I believe to be in contact with/I am pestering so that we can have that adult, sensible conversation.

Will it happen? I live in hope. All I know is that this one person can give me the answers I need and I’m not holding a grudge.